Euro 2016 Punditwatch: humiliating, embarrassing – and that was just Glenn Hoddle

Clothes and hair 

A symphony in blue shirts. Wright added a jazzy dash with a spotty patterned job that was more “lads' night out” than “day at the office”. With his goatee beard and dazzling dentistry, Crouch resembled a stretched Bee Gee, folding his 6ft 7in frame into his seat like a lanky dad perched on a primary school chair at Parent’s Evening. 

Pundit rapport

Matey as ever, calling each other “Dicko”, “Wrighty” and “Crouchy”. They all sang from the same pro-Three Lions hymnsheet: nervous before kick-off, exasperated after the final whistle. A varied voice (an Icelander, an international curveball, an experienced manager or a goalkeeper to dissect Joe Hart’s blunder) would’ve been welcome. But hey, it could have been worse: Sky Sports News had Steve McClaren.

Commentator and analyst 

The dreaded duo of Clive Tyldesley and Glenn Hoddle. Tyldesley was arrogant and disrespectful towards Iceland, unjustly comparing them to San Marino, taking an England win as a foregone conclusion and getting increasingly, splutteringly indignant when it didn’t happen.

Hoddle was even worse and clearly hadn’t done his research. He didn’t seem to know a single name on the Iceland teamsheet apart from ex-Spurs player Gylfi Sigurdsson and kept saying he was “surprised by them” - even though they knocked out Holland in qualifying and finished above Portugal in the group stage. In a case of pots and kettles, he accused Iceland of being “stuck in the Eighties”. Hoddle ended every utterance with “Clive”, “for me” or on special occasions, “for me, Clive”. Bring back Andy Townsend, all is forgiven.

Other reporters

Gabriel Clarke conducted tunnel interviews but was a spare part post-match because nobody from the England camp emerged. They were presumably blubbing or busy changing their identities and getting reconstructive facial surgery. 

The ever-efficient Jacqui Oatley did an introductory piece from the England dressing room, then was down at pitchside with Hoddle - showing off another of his “sweaty middle manager on holiday” short-sleeved shirts. We didn’t need Hoddle in one place, let alone two. Someone else, anyone else, to offer pitchside insights would have been preferable. 

Ads and idents

Those now-familiar vintage poster-style graphics, which have grown on me and beat the BBC’s. Ad-wise, it was the usual booze and betting. Hot talking point was the first trailer for the next series of The X Factor, which premiered at half-time and featured furry svengali Simon Cowell half-heartedly dancing to Friday Night Groove. Alongside plugs for the Cold Feet revival, ITV has cleverly capitalised on its captive audience to promote its big franchises airing later this summer. 

Coverage closed with a tournament highlights montage set to Gil Scott-Heron’s It's Your World. A tasteful music choice but this felt like something to mark the end of a World Cup, not the midway point of the Euros. 

Gaffes 

Tyldesley insisted Iceland keeper Hannes Halldórsson “wasn’t the biggest” when he’s a perfectly serviceable 6ft 4in. Hoddle came out with his usual ridiculous rambles, including “If you don’t hit the target, you’re not getting the goal”, “It’s a good save because he’s kept it out of the goal” and “They’re little things but they’re big things”. Cheers, Confucius.

Quotes

There were endless patronising references to Iceland’s population - “small nation with big hearts” and so forth. Pre-scripted lines about “England’s second exit from Europe within four days” also abounded. 

Tyldesley won back some brownie points by becoming audibly livid during the last 10 minutes, pointing out every poor pass and saying England were “staggering around like strangers”. However, he bizarrely referred to the English crowd as “unhappy tourists” rather than fans or supporters, and lost a little perspective by claiming defeat would “overshadow everything else that’s happening in the UK at the moment”. Steady on.

Dixon was rightly livid about England’s defensive organisation, which he described as “a joke”, and echoed sentiments on sofas nationwide by insisting he “didn’t care” if England were tired. Crouch kept talking about “top, top players” and nodding a lot. Everyone overused the word “abject”.

Pick of the pundits, surprisingly, was Wright. He started the evening with a prescient piece about Daniel Sturridge dwelling on the ball too long, then pointed out how pumped-up and tense Joe Hart was, which could have been in a factor in his fumble for Iceland’s second goal. After the defeat, Wright described England as “rubbish”, “petrified” and “embarrassing, man”. When Woy Hodgson praised the players during his resignation speech, the passionate Wright came straight back with “No, they haven’t been fantastic”.

Best of all, he compared England’s performance to a 1996 quasi-cartoon basketball comedy. “I just can’t stop thinking about the film Space Jam,” deadpanned Wright, to the delight of social media. “It’s like the Monstars have nicked their talent.” Gloriously random, it was just the thing to lift the Monday night gloom.

Verdict

A grim night made grimmer by Hoddle, although Wright was a rare ray of light. We missed Bilic and could’ve done without Crouch on the punditry panel. Otherwise it was business as usual, both for ITV and woeful England. 

Rating: 2/5