So that's what a "Real Housewives of New Jersey" finale looks like when Teresa Giudice has far, far bigger fish to fry. Even being called stupid — excuse me, "not that stupid" — can't make Teresa, at that point facing as much as 27 months in the federal pen, rise to the bait. She reacted to Teresa Aprea's accusations rationally, calmly, patiently.
And where's the fun in that?
The foreshortened sixth season of "Real Housewives of New Jersey" ended not with a bang (or a table flip, or a crazed chase through an oversized mansion, or the ceremonial pulling of the weave) but a whimper.
Santagate — Victoria Gotti claiming that Rino Aprea told her he had sex with his mother-in-law, and relayed to the masses via a totally-coincidental-I'm-sure meeting with Teresa G. and Amber Marchese — is put to rest after a slightly uncomfortable but relatively diplomatic tete-a-tete at the Project Ladybug bash.
Which leaves about 15 minutes — about 15 minutes too many — for Bravo to rehash Teresa and Joe Giudice's sentencing, and watch the others Housewives react in real time. With the Giudices facing this very real drama, it seems ridiculous that this season has focused on anything else. And yet bringing in cameras to record Rich Wakile — who last week referred to Teresa G. as "felonini" — express sympathy for Joe Giudice, and see Kathy Wakile and Jacqueline Laurita sob over Teresa's 15-month sentence felt very opportunistic, on both Bravo's and the other Housewives' parts. Like, I-need-to-take-a-shower opportunistic. Your thoughts?
Let's take it from the beginning, though. Via Nicole Napolitano and Teresa A., Dina Manzo has arranged her latest Project Ladybug event at Abbey's Farm, a 31,000-square-foot mansion in Colts Neck owned by Thomas Kober and Abbey Feiler-Kober. "I am so adamant about good energy being there," Dina tells us. "Anybody's who's negative or nasty, stay the (bleep) home." Wait, doesn't she want people at her event?
Talking with Dina and Abbey, Teresa Aprea says that some of Teresa Giudice's pals are "inappropriate" and "very, very questionable," i.e., Victoria, but Dina tries to shut her down, saying that Victoria won't be there, and that she even slipped a photo of Victoria to security just in case she tries to gate-crash.
"Victoria, Teresa, they behave like two pigs together," Teresa A. tells us. "I deserve an apology from Teresa for her even repeating something so disgusting." She seems to zero in on Teresa G., not Amber, who also passed along the rumor to her husband, who then lobbed it like a grenade during the Florida trip. Teresa A. explains that she expected that of Amber, but not from Teresa G. (Because Teresa G. generally limits herself to spreading rumors only about her own relatives?)
"Teresa, you just (bleep) all over my family," Teresa A. tells us in what will no doubt become an iconic confessional. "I would never do that to you. That's why yours is getting destroyed now. Well, it's true. I mean, really. Karma's a bitch, really." And then she knocks her wrists together. "Clink clink!"
At Amber's house, she has decided to celebrate her fifth year cancer-free by cutting off her hair, presumably for Locks of Love, although the charity is not mentioned by name. Amber's young daughter Isabella, who earlier pointed out a picture of her mother bald from her cancer treatment and specifically requested that she not get that haircut, starts to cry when Amber's mom cuts off a healthy chunk. It's actually a genuinely sweet moment.
And over in Franklin Lakes, Joe Gorga is breaking ground on their dream home ... yes, the one that they're probably not going to live in. Joe, who had been estranged from his sister for the better part of three seasons, tells us that Teresa and Joe's problems weigh heavily on his mind, but he's confident that "nothing could every destroy our relationship ever again." But Bravo will surely try.
It's the day of the Project Ladybug benefit, and Teresa G. and Dina are getting their hair done. Teresa says that she knows the twins are angry at her, and they've had time to reach out to her but they haven't. "She didn't have to wait for tonight," Teresa G. says, "unless she wants an audience." YA THINK?
"As much as Teresa has grown and evolved, I think the old Teresa would come back and flip a bitch," Dina tells us. Sadly, this does not turn out to be true.
The twins, Bobby Ciasulli, and Sal and Santa Napolitano are on their way to the party, and Teresa A. claims that Teresa G. has been avoiding her. While her parents say they're praying for the Giudices, Teresa A. is having none of it: "Believe it or not, you're gonna be pretty surprised because with everything she's going through, she really has time to talk crap about people."
Teresa G. defends herself to us: "Amber and myself do not owe an apology. We're not the ones who started this rumor. I wouldn't even say that Victoria started it. Rino started it, right? Yeah."
At the party, the twins studiously ignore Amber and Teresa G., and vice-versa, but Amber does pull Rino aside and tell him that anything untoward that was said was "never said on purpose." Rino accepts her semi-apology graciously — dammit! — but tells her that Jim shouldn't talk to women the way he has.
Finally the fog of passive-aggressiveness grows too thick, and Teresa A. tells her sister, "We do need to just clear the air with Teresa, because obviously it's not like she has any set of balls." And so it goes. Right in the middle of the crowd, with the rest of the housewives standing by in silence, Teresa A. tells Teresa G. that she should have been ashamed to repeat such as a "disgusting and vulgar" rumor. Teresa G. claims she only told Dina so she would have the story straight, should it come out and "get twisted the wrong way." Again, is there a right way to twist this story?
"Nothing malicious came out of my mouth to hurt your family," Teresa G. says, and then tries to clarify that the rumor actually originated with Rino.
Nicole does not want to hear it. "Teresa, are you that stupid?" (Dina to us: "Like, calling her stupid, yeah, that's her button.")
Teresa G.: "No, I'm not stupid."
Tereas A: "Please, please let me think you have a brain."
Teresa G.: "She didn't say anything nasty about you at all."
Teresa A.: "Oh my God. Come on, Teresa, you're smarter than that. Do you really think she wasn't being nasty? Please answer, so let me see your intelligence."
Teresa G: "I like you girls a lot. I want us to be good, because I wasn't trying to hurt you."
Teresa A: "If it's between us, let's talk about it, hash it out and knock each other out. If it's about anybody else in my family, leave it at the curb with the trash."
And then they ... hug? Amber ... claps? Wait, we did not sign up for a very special episode of "Dr. Phil." While that's pretty much it for Santagate on the episode, Teresa A. does defend her anger against Teresa G. to Andy Cohen later on "Watch What Happens Live." "I know what goes on behind the scenes," she says. "I'm a housewife. I know for a fact she was very well aware of what was going to be said, so take responsibility." If she know what goes on behind the scenes on "Real Housewives of New Jersey," then she should know that the rumor was going to come one way or another, and there was no way Teresa G. was going to be able to stop that train.
Fast-forward six months. It's October 2, the day of Teresa and Joe's sentencing at federal court in Newark. Jacqueline and Chris Laurita join the Wakiles and Rosie Pierri at the Wakiles' house, while, Amber and Jim and Nicole and Bobby monitor the feed from the courthouse from their respective homes.
"Picture how Joe feels," Rich says. "I mean, this guy just lost his father. God forbid if the worst happens." But apparently they don't think Joe getting deported to Italy is the worst thing. "It's nice to live there," Rosie says. When Teresa gets sentenced to 15 months in prison, Kathy and Jacqueline start crying and hugging one another.
Nicole is less sanguine. "My boys are going to ask me, 'Why did this happen? Why did they get sentenced?' And it's because of choices you make in life, there are consequences. So forget about big houses or the money or the jewelry or whatever." Says the woman who looked at a $900,000 house last week. Bobby: "I'm glad that you and I are on the same page." Says the heir to the Bob Ciasulli Auto Group.
And over at the Marchese manse, Amber brings up her cancer. Yes, I know, you're shocked. "Seriously, I'd rather go through what I went through than what she's going through right now," she tells Jim. Jim: "That's just asinine." Well said.
And speaking of shocking, Jacqueline immediately makes Teresa's prison sentence all about her. When Chris suggests reaching out to the Giudices, Jacqueline said, "Clearly she doesn't want me to be there for her. I didn't even text her last night, and she must have been so scared." But Chris points out that Teresa hugged her for a long time when they paid their respects at Joe's father's funeral.
So we get to hear Jacqueline's text to Teresa: "I struggled with whether or not I should reach out to you. I decided to listen to my heart to tell you that I feel for what you and your family are going through ... I will always love you, and if you need anything, I'm here."
And just when you thought it couldn't get tackier, we get a shot of the Giudices leaving the courthouse, with one reporter yelling out, "Teresa, have you been watching 'Orange is the New Black'?"
And just when you thought it really couldn't get any tackier, we return to the Wakiles' home, where Rosie is reading a prayer from her smartphone: "God, my family needs your help today. Give us strength and compassion to help one another. I pray that our family might become a holy family, a family that embraces peace and love."
In other words, a family that has no place on "Real Housewives of New Jersey."
I'll be live tweeting the reunion shows, so please follow me at @VickiHy, and my colleague Anthony Venutolo and I will be discussing the finale tomorrow during a live chat here at 1 p.m. Please join us!
Vicki Hyman may be reached at vhyman@njadvancemedia.com. Follow her on Twitter @vickihy. Find NJ.com/Entertainment on Facebook.